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Invented example · built on Kindling · Why Kindling · The library · The spec · The Circular

Hearthholdintroductions for chosen family

Hearthhold Port Ellery

Chosen family, introduced slowly.

Some of the most important relationships people build are not romantic ones. Hearthhold introduces adults who want to share a household, raise a child together or share a home, without being a couple. Our two stewards, Mireille Dufresne and Omar Qureshi, meet you first. Then, one person at a time, they ask whether you would like to meet someone.

Ask for a first callHow a steward meets you

Nothing to join, nothing to be introduced. We are paid after, and only if you ask.

Both said yes, so the top half is open. Until both of you say yes it stays shut, and nobody learns who said no. The bottom half is yours to open later, if ever.

Three Pools

Three kinds of chosen family

Each is a Kindling Pool that our stewards keep. The words in each come from the people in it. You can be in one and not the others, public in one and private in another.

1Public

Platonic Life Partners

People looking for a committed partner who is not a romantic one: a shared household, shared decisions, each other’s emergency contact. Aromantic, asexual, widowed, single on purpose, and anyone else who wants this. A steward meets you before you are listed.
Kept by
Mireille Dufresne, Omar Qureshi
Who can see it
Anyone. It is in our discovery file.
How you join
A steward meets you on a call, then vouches for you here and invites you. You say yes or no.
Messages
Nobody writes first. A steward proposes; both say yes.
Their words
platonic-partnership · chosen-family

See the Pool

2Unlisted

Intentional Co-Parents

Adults who want to raise a child together as co-parents rather than as a couple. A steward meets each person twice before vouching. Unlisted: the address travels from a steward. Introductions are slow here on purpose.
Kept by
Mireille Dufresne, Omar Qureshi
Who can see it
Only people a steward gives the address to. We publish neither its address nor its members, here or anywhere.
How you join
A steward meets you twice before vouching. Then you are invited, and say yes or no.
Messages
Nobody writes first. A steward proposes; both say yes.
Their words
co-parenting · chosen-family

There is no page for this Pool, on purpose. Ask for a first call.

3Public · 55 and over

Later-Life Housemates

People fifty-five and over who would like to share a home: company in the kitchen, help with the stairs, someone who notices. Friendship, not romance, unless two people decide otherwise on their own.
Kept by
Omar Qureshi
Who can see it
Anyone. It is in our discovery file.
How you join
Say yes to a link at the address on your page. No meeting is needed to be listed.
Messages
Each person’s own rules. Some take a first message from anyone verified; some only through Omar.
Their words
housemates · later-life · friendship

See the housemates

How it works

How a steward meets you

Five steps, in this order, every time. Nobody is listed before a steward has met them, and nobody is introduced before both people say yes.

  1. 1

    A first call

    Mireille or Omar meets you on a call. They ask what you would like to build and who with, and then the unromantic questions. It costs nothing, and it commits you to nothing.

    • Money, and whose name is on what
    • Chores
    • Holidays, and whose family
    • Who you call when you are ill
    • What happens if it stops working
  2. 2

    A vouch, for one Pool

    If it seems right to you both, the steward vouches for you in the Pool that fits. Their vouch is written beside your name there, and it counts in that Pool and nowhere else. For Intentional Co-Parents, a steward meets you twice first.

    Curator vouching §4.4 · vouching-required §3.2 §5.4

  3. 3

    An invitation you can refuse

    The invitation says who is asking, what the Pool is for, who can see it, and how to leave. You say yes, or no, thank you. A no is remembered, and the steward cannot ask again unless you tell the Pool they may.

    The handshake §5.2 · no silent listing §5.1

  4. 4

    Slow introductions

    When a steward thinks of someone, they write to you both, separately: one person, and their reasons. If you both say yes, the top half of the door opens and you are introduced. If either says no, nothing happens, and neither learns who said it.

    No cold messages §7.2 · the introduction is a Kindling message §6.3

  5. 5

    After, if ever

    The rest is yours. If, weeks or months later, you decide to build something together, we can help you write it down. That is the first time money comes up.

    Nothing charged at the connection layer §1.3

Mireille Dufresne

Signed in with OAuth

mireille-dufresne.example

Steward at Hearthhold. Spent ten years in family mediation. Meets everyone on a call before she vouches for them, and asks the unromantic questions.

Omar Qureshi

Signed in with OAuth

omar-qureshi.notion.example

Steward. Lives with his platonic partner of eight years and their two cats. Helps people write down what they are actually promising each other.

Slow introductions, and the money

The top half is free. The bottom half is later.

Hearthhold charges nothing to be listed or introduced. We charge only for help after two people have decided to build something together. After, never before.

Before · free, always

Everything up to and including the introduction

  • Being met by a steward
  • Being vouched for
  • Being listed
  • Being introduced
  • Writing to each other
  • Leaving

No subscriptions, no boosts, no fee to see who said yes. There is nothing here to buy.

After · paid, only if you ask

Help writing down what you are promising each other

  • A written household agreement, for platonic partners
  • A co-parenting agreement, for two adults who have decided to parent together
  • A house agreement, for housemates moving in together
  • A mediation session, when something needs talking through

We tell you the fee before you book, and you can say no. Nothing before it changes either way.

Why this way. A service paid while you wait has a reason to keep you waiting. We are paid only after you have found someone and chosen to build something, which is what you came for. Mireille spent ten years in family mediation, and Omar helps people write down what they are actually promising each other. That is the work we sell.

Kindling itself charges nothing at the connection layer §1.3. Our paid help sits outside the protocol, and only people who have already been introduced can ask for it.

What it isn’t

What Hearthhold is not, and what we do instead

  • Not a dating site.Romance is not what these Pools are for. If two people decide otherwise on their own, that is theirs.
  • Not a surrogacy or donor marketplace.Nobody here buys or sells anything to do with having a child. We list no donors or surrogates, and we arrange nothing of the kind.
  • Not legal advice.A written agreement is a plain record of what you are promising each other. We are not your lawyer. For property, money or parenting arrangements a court may one day read, see a lawyer where you live.
What we don’t doWhat we do instead
No feed to scrollA steward writes when there is someone worth meeting, and otherwise leaves you alone.
No ranking, and no algorithm choosing for youNo score decides who you hear about. A steward chooses, one person at a time, and says why.
No streaks, no reminders to come backWe write when there is news. Some months you will not hear from us, and nothing is wrong.
No paywall on who is interestedNobody learns anything until both have said yes, and it costs nothing either way.
No countdowns, no hurryAn invitation lasts 14 days because the protocol says so. Letting it lapse changes nothing.
No rationed likes, no boostsThere is nothing to ration and nothing to boost. A steward cannot be paid to put you first.

Shifts 9, 7, 5 and 4, and safety

Why this couldn’t exist inside a closed app

A closed app is worth only as much as the people already in it, and people join the one that is already biggest near them. So there is room for one or two, they start from the largest group, and the operator is paid while you are still looking. Friendship never got that infrastructure at all, and the friendships people plan to grow old in got even less. Kindling makes the pool a commons: profiles stay on people’s own pages, and Pools are open files anyone can host and any client can read, by the owner’s consent.

  1. Shift 9 · every shape of relationshipA small kind of family can have a Pool at all.

    A closed app is built around the largest group it can gather, and that is people dating. A household of two friends, a parenting partnership, three retirees sharing a house: each is too small to earn its own app and too different to be a filter in someone else’s. On Kindling a Pool is a file anyone can host, and its intent tags are just words its people chose: platonic-partnership, co-parenting, housemates. Nobody had to approve the category, and a Pool can be public, or unlisted and travel by word of mouth §3.2.

  2. Shift 7 · people, not a rankingA person vouches for you, and only here.

    A closed app sorts people so it can sell the top of the list. Our stewards vouch after a real conversation, and a vouch counts in one Pool only §4.4. It cannot be bought, and it does not follow you anywhere you did not ask it to.

  3. Shift 5 · no money on the waitWe are paid after, never before.

    An app paid while you look has a reason to keep you looking. Kindling defines nothing to charge for at the connection layer §1.3, so we earn only when two people have already found each other and ask for help building something.

  4. Shift 4 · leaving costs nothingYour page, your people, your agreements stay yours.

    In a closed app, leaving means losing everyone you met there. Here your profile is your own page. Leaving a Pool is one action and takes effect within sixty seconds §5.3, and nothing we hold was ever the only copy. Try it on the right.

  5. Safety that travelsSomeone refused elsewhere is refused here.

    We subscribe to two shared block lists, the Kindling project’s and the Circular consortium’s. Anyone on them, for spam or for listing people without consent, is refused before they can write to anyone here §7.3.

A first call

Ask for a first call

Write to stewards@hearthhold.example, or leave a note here. Mireille or Omar answers, usually within the week. The call is free and commits you to nothing.

What you are hoping to build